Men, Women and Vows

In an article titled "The Jew Who Wasn't There," Rachel Adler talks about women being "peripheral" Jews. In traditional Judaism, women were excluded from being counted in a minyan. Their testimony in a Jewish court was not admissible. That's not so different from our experience in modern times--it was only in the last several decades that women in our country were considered legally capable of entering a contract. There is more equality now, but back then women had no legal authority. Women weren't even allowed to study Torah. In the movie “Yentl” one of the things Yentl wanted to do was to study Torah, like the boys and men were allowed to do. Adler makes a thorough case that women were relegated to the edges of Judaism, but she didn't give an answer to my question.

I looked at an article out of the book called Standing at Sinai by Judith Plaskow, another well respected modern Jewish feminist scholar. She explained that women were to be relieved from certain requirements that might get in the way of their domestic obligations. If a woman is busy preparing the Seder for Passover, she shouldn't have to go to the synagogue--it might take her away from the kitchen. Plaskow says, “The fact that women must observe the negative commandments (the “Thou shalt nots”) prevents them from undermining Jewish life, but they are not permitted to participate fully in the religious life of the Jewish people.” Plaskow was angry, she was upset, but she didn't have an answer to my question. I kept looking.

I remembered something Rabbi Bergman Vann had told me. A famous scholar, Rabbi Ben Bag Bag, said, “Turn it over and over, for everything is in it.” In other words, keep looking, keep trying, keep struggling. The answer is in there somewhere.

I found an article by Rabbi Stacy Offner entitled Women Speak Louder Than Words. Eureka! She had an answer! Rabbi Offner's suggestion is to take gender out of the equation. (For example, nowadays we don't refer to God as "he" or "him." God is God, without being male or female.) Suppose we look at Matot again and read the verses as if they said, "If a married person makes a vow or obligation, that person's spouse can cancel it. If a young person living at home with his or her parents makes a promise, the parents have a right to cancel it." When we take the gender indicators away, the rule applies to husbands as well as wives, to sons as well as daughters, and mothers as well as fathers.

Rabbi Offner explains, "Adults who are married have committed to a partnership. Therefore, adults must share their oaths and vows with their spouses, and their spouses are entitled to input. Matot teaches us that the vows of married persons cannot stand without spousal approval.” The point is that when somebody is in a committed relationship, whether it is between spouses, significant others, business partners, or whomever it might be, one person shouldn't be able to bind the person without some conversation. The couple should say to each other: "Is this something we ought to do? Is this right and good? Can we afford it? Do we have time?" Before committing to a course of action, each party to the relationship ought to have the right to say "No."

The same is true for parents and children. The rule shouldn't apply just to daughters and their fathers; it should be expanded to include all children and all parents. Kids don't always have enough perspective to make binding commitments, and their parents ought to be able to look at their decisions and say "Let's think about that again." And so, Rabbi Offner says, “All young people, male and female, who live in their parental home - though they may not like it all the time - are not fully independent. They need to understand that their parents have a part in all that they say and do. Matot teaches us that their vows cannot stand without parental approval.”

I think it all comes down to communication. If you're in a family, if you have a partner, if you have a spouse, if you have a parent, you need to talk about your decisions and make sure that what you're committing to is appropriate. Our prayer tonight is for us to learn to take responsibility for the words we utter. Let us learn to communicate with our partners and our families, and to take responsibility for the promises we make together. Amen.

When showing jewelry, I have a tendency to feature pieces that would be favored by women. In a show of openness, I wanted you to see these cufflinks by a graduate of Bezalel, Chaim Paz of Idit Jewelry Designs. These Jerusalem cufflinks are especially wonderful when you consider the scale in which they must be worked.

By the way, I posted a poll on my website... nothing too challenging. I would love to know your opinion!

A LIFE LESSON

Even though Moses was clearly upset with those who were in charge of the battle (against the Midianites, as ordered by G'd), he did something so vitally important in leadership - he went out to meet them outside the camp. Moses practiced one of the most important concepts in dealing with people - and that's always to reprimand people in private. In fact, the blockbuster best-selling book entitled "The One Minute Manager" devotes much time to this powerful principal.

Sadly, people in a position of authority don't like doing this because they have a strong ego-based need to put their power on display for all to see. So, in an effort of to show everyone that "they're the boss," they actually like to reprimand people in front of others. This makes you no better than a school yard bully and clearly makes you much more of a coward than a leader.

Ironically, people act this way because they wrongly believe that they'll actually gain respect by occasionally (or regularly) letting everyone know that they're in charge. But great leaders have long recognized that people truly want to do the right thing and publicly adding salt to their wounds is just plain stupid.

Parents are the most important "leaders" in the world. God entrusts them with the responsibility of raising His children, and He certainly doesn't want His children to be publicly ridiculed. There are certainly times that parents have a rush of frustration when their child does something wrong and have a powerful urge to yell at them for all to hear. But this isn't at all how to discipline or educate your child. Even though Moses was angry with his commanders, he didn't let it get the better of him. He chose to go outside the camp so he wouldn't embarrass them in front of their men.

There are countless times throughout the day that you'll be in a position of being a "boss." Whether as a customer in a store, a patron at a restaurant, or hiring a landscaper - for a brief period of time you can act any way you choose. While you might feel a need to let these people know "who's in charge," it will only make you look like a fool. And if there is something they did that you're upset about, then let them know without anyone else being able to hear. This will not only make them actually listen to what you're saying, but it will also build your own self-esteem by not living in the fantasy world that you can get taller by publicly knocking someone else down.


Chaim Paz of Idit Jewelry Designs created this Jerusalem pendant. You will see more from the talented and creative Jeweler tomorrow.

Parsha Matot and Mase'ei: Numbers 30:2 - 36:13

HIGH EXPECTATIONS




At the beginning of Parshat Matot, God tells Moses to do battle against the Midianites - immediately after which Moses is destined to die.

Now for Moses, this sounds like a real dilemma. He knows that war against Midian will speed the Jews' entry into Israel, but the consequence will be his own death. What does Moses do?

You guessed it - without hesitating, Moses quickly organizes the people for war. This is self-sacrifice taken to the Nth degree. In order to fulfill the wishes of God and advance the national cause, Moses literally hastened his own death.

Now let's look at the other side: what was the Jewish people's reaction to all this? Recall these same people had complained bitterly against Moses for the past 40 years in the desert - even threatening to stone him! But now, the Torah tells us, the people refused to fight the Midianites - so as not to cause the death of their beloved leader Moses. Why the change of heart?

The commentators explain that all those years of criticism were only because the people respected Moses so much and had the highest expectations of him.

It's like when parents criticize a child - it's only because they love the child so much and want the very best for him. Of course the methodology may be wrong, but the sentiment is sincere.

And that's why, with the threat of Moses' death looming before them, the Jewish people were ready to boycott the war, and delay their own entry into Israel, in order to extend Moses' life. In the end, we see that all their complaining was really rooted in love. Remember this the next time ... someone complains about you



These combined parshot bring us to the end of the book of Numbers. The three Tallitot above were inspired by the book of Numbers and are from the studio of Marilyn Jackler. Marilyn is attempting to paint all fifty four portions on tallit... quite a task ahead of her. Please go the website and examine the detail that Marilyn painted into these tallitot. They are just wonderful works of art as well as d'var torah!